Fluffy Squirrel

Hi Aaliyah,

Its a week since you graduated. . . from prenursery :) Thanks to your school they put up a wonderful show. You happened to act in a play, which was an adaption of the famous fairy tale, Cinderella and you played the fluffy squirrel. You were disappointed playing it, as you wanted to play the Cinderella because you loved the Gown she would get to wear. All through the week before the play you kept saying to me that you want to be the 'NOT SQUIRREL' :)

I called up your teacher to ask if any change is possible. Maybe the role of a step sister or so, who also wore a gown in the play, but no luck. Then I decided to make best of the situation and tried to tell great things about a squirrel and make believe stories about how great a squirrel is and you couldn't just care.

In all this, we have forgotten the pivotal character 'Your Dad' who was on YOUR side and said, lets just change school. No, No , its not because he did not like this one. Yes, it was to get admission into any other school who would let you graduate from their school a week after you take admission and let you play a character who wears a flowing gown and so it would make you happy. He even wanted to bunk the grad ceremony and not send you, which I did not let happen.

I took a day off from work, and took you costume shopping and you hated me more when I was trying it out on you. Your droopy shoulder, pink tip of the nose, lower lip turned inside out and the eyes full of tears which had not yet flown to the cheek, said it all. It was heart breaking for me. But I did not know how to make you feel better. Icecreams, choclates, pizza, nothing felt good.

On the day of the graduation, your dad was the saddest and both of you were not believing 'The world best squirrel' story I told you while we drove. Then the play started and you did all that you were supposed to do very very well. There was a scene when only cinderella was on stage and you were backstage. You came to the side of the stage and stood there and were looking at Cinderella, longingly. It shred your Dad's heart. If you see the video he was shooting, the focus had shifted to zooming into you and trying to see if you were crying. Only I know how difficult it was to keep him seated for the rest of the event. Every 10 secs he was shifting in his seat uncomfortably. After the event, he quickly picked you and walked away. We went to celebrate at Pizza hut and got home and snoozed. On the way I asked him what was the moment in the day and he said, Aaliyah was standing on the side and feeling sad.


When we woke in the evening, he made you wear a beautiful gown and started re-creating the play and you were super enthu. I was asked to play the guest appearance of the cruel step mother, which is a choice your dad made with a smile. All other characters were played by your dad. The step brother, father, step sister, father, squirrel, prince, fairy God mother, soldiers everyone. You were mighty mighty thrilled and so was your dad. You both danced and danced and danced all through the evening as I sat and soaked in every moment of it, making a mental note of all the sweet somethings.

I dont know if what your dad did was the right thing or not. But I want you to learn this from your dad. I want you to learn from your dad how to love a daughter, feel for her, feel all that she feels, be a part of her disappointment and hold her all through, making sure she feels better and on top of the world, make every change possible. Love you Aaliyah and Congratulations on the graduation :)

A shoulder to climb on

Hi Aaliyah,

I know it seems like I almost had another baby and forgot about you and your blog. But its not true.... Thankfully. There were too many things happening at my end. Some good, Some great and Some for the good. Will tell you all about it soon. After a long time this weekend was cool and we spent a lot of time at home and chilled. Last evening, a Saturday evening, I was in the kitchen and cooking dinner and your Dad was at the dining table with his laptop and you were as usual on his left shoulder trying to NOT let him do was he was doing.

You never do this to me by the way. Its like 'you own your Dad' and even though he begs you in between to let him do his job, he loves every bit of it, because there is a kiss every 10 secs. Its like a default setting. The typical Kishore's gritting his teeth and holding 'you' like its the first ever time and giving you a kiss on your Chin. He doesn't know this. but I observe him all the time. I can actually count to 9 and on 10 he would look at you and give you a Kiss. Touchwood you are so lucky Aaliyah. Even though you are on his shoulder and trying to climb all over him, and he is telling you that you may fall on his precious laptop and its very expensive etc, his hands are carefully holding 'only you' and every time you are about to fall, he is always reaching out to make sure you land safely. His hands are always cupping the edgy table corners so that you dont bump you head.

And by chance you do bump your head anywhere, OMG the impact on your Dad. The next few minutes would be about how it happened, why, how it could have been avoided, maybe a band aid, some feel good food, blaming me(even if I have nothing to do with it), cursing the furniture that hurt you. Then followed by another few minutes of questions on 'are you feeling better Aaliyah' .

Not to forget when we are inside the car. Until he sees all the ten fingers and ten toes well inside the car, the doors cannot be closed. There have been days when he is so busy checking on you that he doesn't realize that he has half closed his door.

Trust me you are no less, you love every ounce of that pity love, coz you know you get that only from Daddy. If it was me, you know you will have to just dust yourself and move on. Ofcourse, your Dad calls me 'Kal nenjakkari' (Stone hearted) for that. :)

You may go through a lot of Bumps and hurts in life, and you know that you will always have a shoulder to climb on. Love you Aaliyah!

Aal the care I need

Hi Aaliyah,

I have been suffering from severe back ache for the last 4 days now and its getting unbearable from time to time. In this time Aaliyah, you too did not attend school as I was not fit enough to get you ready also. Also you too were partly not well.

In the beginning I thought maybe it would be difficult to care for you all by myself especially with me on the bed all the time. But the last few days has come as a pleasant and comforting surprise to me Aal. You were beside me allllll the time. Every minute of it. You would even wait outside the bathroom and ask me if I was OK when I came out. The bed is full of crayons and colouring books because you decided to colour so many drawings for me and everytime you finished a picture, you would ask me to close my eyes and scream out ‘Surprise!!!!’ and say ‘This is for you’.

To tell you the truth I was very depressed thinking of my health. But your smile refreshed me so much and all the injections you gave me during the pretend play session surely made me feel better. We even watched a George Clooney (your ‘could have been’ daddy) movie. I want to write a lot more here but my back is giving away. I just want to say that I love you so much and need you every minute of my life.

Vogue..Raymond n Pizza

Hi Aaliyah,

Do you know that you actually wanted to come ahead of time. Yeah! its not as cool as it sounds. . . read on.

Somewhere around my 5th month of pregnancy one day I was not feeling upto it and when your dad came home I told him so and we decided to go to the Doctor, he came in his Uniform as he had a night duty that day. When we met the doctor she took me to the emergency room and your dad was left behind in the waiting area. The doctor then said, lets get you admitted and she told me where the room would be and casually and 'as a matter of fact' told that maybe she is in Labour and started walking away. I held her hand and said 'I am sorry, I did not get you'. She then repeated saying 'maybe you will lose your baby, lets wait and watch'. Those were the most cruel words I have heard in my life. I did not want to say anything, i couldn't speak, I couldn't cry, I felt blank and cold head to toe and even before I realised I was taken to another room and your Dad came to the room to see me.

I gave him a faint fake smile as I thought I would not tell him, not realising that the Doctor had already told him. He too returned the fake but assuring smile and said, 'I will quickly go change and get some change of clothes for you too, just be here, I need to call work too and say I wouldn't be able to come.' Just then the nurse came and said, one person can stay with the patient overnight. So your dad it was.

I was sitting by the window alone, thinking about the first wonderful four months and how your Dad pampered me and how will I ever tell him what the doc told me (still not knowing your dad knew) I was alone for about 2 hours or so, and I was just sitting in that chair looking out of the window.

Then your dad came with a huge bag and I was wondering, 'Does he think I am going to be here for ever?' I went into the washroom and changed, silently cried and washed my face and as I stepped out your Dad smiled radiantly, took my hand, made me sit on the bed, gave me the latest Vogue magazine which he picked up on the way. Then as I looked around, he had got pizza so that I didn't have to eat the boring hospital khana. Then he opened the Laptop and played an episode of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' and sat beside me.

I hugged him and sobbed my heart out and told him what the doctor told me and he paused the episode and told me that he knew it. As I searched his face for some worry, my eyes were blurred with tears so I couldn't see much he rubbed my back and said, lets hope for the best and be upbeat and all will be well. He wiped my tears with his big palm, that I felt that my eye balls were pushed into my stomach.

We shared the one bed and I hugged him like a teddy bear and slept all night while he was up reading a book. I bet he read a little bit of Vogue too. The next day I was off for a scan and all was well and I heard your heartbeat and the friendly radiologist said, 'She is going to be very talkative child' :)

Yes you did have plans for arriving early. . . but the pizza pushed you back in place. :)

Talk softly

Hi Aaliyah,

Once again, after a long time I got the chance to sit down alone while you are busy playing with your cousin gowri in the other room. You love it when someone visits. You just get attached instantly and you dont like them leaving at all. Infact I am very very worried how you are going to handle it when Gowri leaves.

About a year back, Cheeku (my sister vidya) came for your last year graduation party and was there for a couple of days. This was the phase when you were picking up a lot of conversational skills and every time you wanted to say something you would shout out so loudly or sometimes throw a tantrum too. Everytime you did that I used to tell you 'talk softly' and you would lower your voice by half,sometimes it would still be loud and I would say, 'more softly' and your voice would turn into a soft and polite tone and then I used to honor your request. So your understanding was that everytime you lowered your voice your request would be met.

When cheeku was about to leave, we tried to tell you how its important for her to return to Mumbai and she would come back soon and you just did not want to understand it at all. You kept distracting us with something else, probably thinking that we will forget about cheeku leaving.

As we reached the airport, you were inconsolable, we had to peel you off Cheeku as she left heavy heartedly. As we forced you back into the car you kept screaming,banging on the glass,'Cheeku, come back, come back, dont go,come back'. You went on and on and we became quiet. It was very very sad and I too felt so bad for you. Suddenly, you spoke softly between sobs,'Cheeku,Please come back' and then you paused and spoke even more softly sobbing more,'Cheeku please come back,dont go'. I then realised what you were doing. You thought that maybe by talking softly she would get the point and return to you.

That made tears flow down my eyes too as I too started to miss cheeku and seeing you so sad made it all the more difficult. You were fine in a couple of days but, it left a lasting impression in my mind of how you thought you could turn around the situation.

Cheeku means the world to me and so do you. To see you both bonding just made my heart go gooey :)

Happy Birthday Aaliyah - 22 January 2012 6:28:55 AM

Sunday, 22 January 2012 6:28:55 AM

Happy Birthday Aaliyah Rani! No chinnu, I know your Birthday is on Jan 21^st, but I wanted to maximise time with you yesterday so, even though I wanted to post something yesterday, I just couldn’t. After a huge party and fun celebrations, we all crashed early and I woke early with a start. Just like how I did 4 years ago, in the ICU of the hospital on 22 January 2008. All my grogginess gone and up and feeling crisp. I sat there as I waited for the nurse to get me ready to come and meet you. This was the first time your Dad and I were going to meet you together as parents.

I tried to look best in the sad Kerala Nighty. The excitement was such that I tried to get down from the bed and started to take 2 steps and suddenly collapsed (guess there was a last left over drop of anaesthesia that HAD to take effect). Next thing I knew I was in a wheel chair being wheeled to the room where you were. I did not want you to see me in wheelchair and my heart was beating real fast, thinking about seeing your dad’s reaction too.

As I entered the room your Aaji paatti and Daddy happily received me and THEN… I saw a cradle. I never visualised a cradle in my mental picture. Heart beat faster. I got onto the bed and I thought they would get you to me, but patti said, she is sleeping, lets not disturb her. My face dropped. How much more should I wait. I could barely get up to see you and then I told your Dad that it was already unfair that the ICU guys did not let me see you most of all day yesterday and even today I have to wait. Then your dad said, ‘she was born at 9:55 AM da, so technically we are still within 24 hours and it IS her birthday even now. :)

In a few minutes you woke and your dad placed you in my arms and since then the space between my arms and my heart has always been filled by you. Happy Birthday Rajaathee.

So now we can tell Suhasini aunty that she can watch out for the the Birthday post as well.

Your First ever Smile

Your dad was working with the forces and just as you were born, he was to leave for a year and half long sailing in the sea. Obviously it was heart breaking for me and you r dad as we both wanted to be with you together, especially when you had come after such a difficult time. You were born on 21st Jan and he had to leave on 24th Feb. With every passing day your dad's heart ached only more and more. You were getting cuter and cuter and he just couldn't imagine a life without you. He would wake for mid night feedings, try to wrap you, put you to bed, bathe you, take you for a stroll and every time you even spit up (which is very normal for babies), he would look at all of us like, 'What have you done to my baby'. You would always have this intense look on you face and he would keep asking when will she smile back at me.

The morning that he was leaving, I was very tearful and just as he drove away, suddenly I felt some sort of strength. I did not know where it came from coz all of the past one month I was just wondering how am I going to handle all by myself. I came back to my room and I was changing your diapers and there was a small bout of sadness that came over me and I looked at you. Believe me, you smiled back at me. That was your first smile ever. I called your dad immediately and told him what you did and I could hear him go silent at his end. I am sure he had tears in his eyes. That evening he has gone and begged and borrowed some internet connection from someone on the ship and when I was chatting with him on gtalk, this was the status message on his messenger ' a young pale beam of a crescent moon touched the edge of a vanishing autumn cloud, and there Aaliyah's smile was first born '

Till date and its four years now and its still the same status message.

Change in Agenda

Right through the nine months your dad and I never wanted to know if need to buy pink or blue baby clothes. All that we wanted was for someone fun to fit into them. Typically one of your grappies said its going to be a boy and your Cheeku always wished for a girl. I still remember one day when we were shopping and Cheeku saw some baby clothes and she just covered her face with one and smelled it and said, have a girl Nisha....pleaseee!!

Then came the day of your birth and as I was being wheeled into the theater, your dad briefly left his phone with me. I got a text from a doctor relative, who happened to have access to our scan reports, wishing Daddy congrats on the birth of a Son. I was like, what are the odds. I wait 9 months for the surprise and this is not how I wanted to know it. But I did not want to spoil the moment just because of that. After the usual byes and when everyone disappeared and I was left alone in the theater for like 10 seconds, I closed my eyes and wanted to thank God for letting me enjoy these wonderful months of being pampered by your Dad and all. Then these were the exact words in my head...'You know what! if there is just one girl left,keep her for me'.

I groggily opened my eyes an hour later and by then you were born and off to meet ur dad and grappies and Cheeku. I asked the doctor beside me, is the baby healthy? I could hear a sound from an old gramophone say in bass voice, 'heooothy fumma bebo... 'heooothy fumma bebo'...heathy femme babi....heathy feeml bubie and 10 more times and then I heard Healthy female baby.

I tossed my head from left to right to right to right to left and up and down to see where you were. My body felt hammered to the bed, but I could move my head so fast, I tried to get up and then passed out again and to date this has been the 'BEST CHANGE IN AGENDA'.